Humorous Essays Based on students' memories
"All have died
except for those who are alive, and those whom we remember"Confucius
- From the author
- Review of a book by O.P.Syedyshev "The Guys"
- Copyright
The Guys
Essay 1. How I became a student
Essay 2. Mini-dorm
Essay 3. Arkasha
Essay 4. Ditto
Essay 5. Vagram
Essay 6. Eugene
Essay 7. Slava Sizikov
Essay 8. Batya
Essay 9. Tolik and Vagram
Essay 10. Ilgam and Otari
Essay 11. Petya Kozlov and a pipe
Essay 12. Golubev and Sasha Plokhikh
Essay 13. Serezha Sherbinin
Essay 14. Operative surgery exam
Essay 15. Striptease of Leada Syrkasheva
Essay 17. Pseudo wedding
Essay 18. How I was a trade union organi...
Essay 19. Anatomy
Essay 20. #118 Group
Essay 21. RW
Essay 22. Brothers Romashov
Essay 23. Pharmakology
Essay 24. Sambo
Essay 25. Dimka the Wine-Maker
Essay 26. Brewery
Essay 27. Delicacy
Essay 28. Muster
Essay 29. Festival
Essay 30. Cant wait to get married
Essay 31. Beer at lectures
Essay 32. Examinations
Essay 33. The murder will out
Essay 34. An accident
Essay 35. Vendetta
Essay 36. A lesson to remember for a lif...
Essay 38. A wedding ring
Essay 40. How different all of them are
Essay 41. Product #2
Essay 42. A guitar
Essay 43. A stranger in medicine
Essay 44. Oh, sports - You are life!
Essay 45. Canalis nasolacrimalis
Essay 46. Young Communist League (Komsom...
Essay 47. Unus - one out of five
Essay 48. His Majesty photographer
Essay 49. Three tablets of aminazine
Essay 50. "Nothern Lights"
Essay 51. Gentlemen of luck
Essay 52. Brother-2
Essay 53. Three thanks
Essay 54. Superstitious Beliefs
Essay 56. Satanic Grin
Essay 57. 21 Gurgles
Essay 58. Triplets
Essay 59. Pilau on Issyk Kul
Essay 60. Is speculation business or not...
Essay 61. Bitter Sugar
Essay 63. Cream Of Wheat
Essay 64. Feeling Of Pride
Essay 65. Was It Love?
Essay 67. Examination Paper #13
Essay 68. The Devil of Adventurism
Essay 69. Sketching Characters
Essay 70. An Excursion
Essay 71. Winter examinations
Essay 72. Stierlitz is no match for them...
Essay 73. Inhale through your mouth, ple...
Essay 74. Hitler kaputt!
Essay 75. A second-year student
Essay 76. Mistakes should be paid for!
Essay 77. Four letters
Essay 78. Prince of Imereti
Essay 79. There are too few workers and ...
Essay 80. A pood of salt
Essay 81. A Prankster
Essay 82. Let's Man The Barricades!
Essay 83. Now A Kiss!
Essay 84. Briefs
Essay 85. A Miracle!
Essay 86. A mouse!.. in a hairdo? How ve...
Essay 87. A Born Obstetrician
Essay 88. International Children's Day
Essay 91. Here is the one for you, fasci...
Essay 94. A sight for sore eyes
Essay 96. REAR
Essay 97. And you are a gambler, Paramos...
Essay 98. An Ode to Pilav
Essay 99. Always hungry
Essay 100. Dudes
Essay 114. The night before
Essay 119. An autograph
Essay 130. Déjà vu
Essay 137. Twelve
Essay 141. A password is needed
Essay 142. Home brew
Essay 143. Mind what you say
Essay 144. Experimenters
Essay 145. An autograph
Essay 146. Hydrocele
Essay 147. Clip on the back of the head
Essay 148. Al Qasr
Essay 149. We were optimists...
Essay 150. Despotic and wilful person
Essay 151. With a sickle at the balls
Essay 152. Liquidation
Essay 153. Resonance
Essay 154. Shock therapy
Essay 155. Good luck of Victor Kiss
Essay 156. Herd instinct
Essay 157. Cond'omer
Essay 159. The Gypsy Baron
Essay 160. SI system
Essay 161. Foie gras
Essay 162. Divine disposition
Essay 163. Chizhik-Pyzhik*
Essay 164. Culinary terrorist act
Essay 172. At the world's end
Essay 173. Rupture
After graduation
Essay 37 Whyte chrysanthemums
Essay 55 We Are the Eleventh! So What?
Essay 62 Feinzilberg's Mistake
Essay 90 Betwixt and Between...
Essay 92 Those who are drowning are to ...
Essay 93 People, be happy
Essay 116 Here's a fine how d'ye do!
Essay 131 Feminine logic
Essay 132 Bimbo and, pardon, balls
Essay 133 Forty years later
Essay 134 Product #2 again
Essay 136 Striptease of Fomitch
Essay 138 Love and gastric ulcer
Essay 139 A victim of essays
Essay 140 Sleep!
Essay 158 Help-it's a panic
Essay 165 A Hen
Essay 166 The first vacation
Essay 167 Tails
Essay 168 PEA
Essay 169 Sochi
Essay 170 VOLGA
Essay 171 Muriuk
Essay 174 Bear's disease
Essay 175 An escape
Kitchen talks
Essay 39. A brick on the top of the head
Essay 89. Guriev Porridge (or conversati...
Essay 113. Prosperity of Russia
Essay 135. A Prescription
Beyond the Horizon
Essay 16. Its a small world
Essay 66. Paris, Paris...
Essay 95. Milan is a Lucrative City
Essay 102. A Look and Something
Essay 103. Tango 'Magnolia'
Essay 110. Buddha is smiling
Essay 128. Red Light District
Essay 146. Hydrocele
I find it difficult to say what kind of person an actor Alexander Demianenko was in real life, perhaps a good one. Though the fact, that he was one of the most popular and loved actors of Soviet students, was an absolute truth. It was he, Demianenko, who had created a character of Shurik, a cheerful and a bit clumsy student of the 60s. We recognized in the character if not ourselves, then a neighbor-guy from a dorm.And the scene when he was peeping into a synopsis of a female student he did not know! So I have a question: wasn’t it Valya Timoshenko’s synopsis of lectures? Yes, the Valya, who studied together with me in the same group at the institute, and later when all of us left according to our job placements, it turned out that she and I happened to be placed on a job at Kurgan region. So Valya Timoshenko (and we used to call her Timokha or Timonya, depending on the request we addressed her with) was making super great synopses. She never rewrote them, like I did, for instance. From the very first time Valya had everything written in clear and even handwriting, and as for the contents, she in some incredible way managed to grasp the most essential thing and wrote it on paper in two-three theses, which were better than hundreds of pages of a textbook. Generally speaking, everybody who prepared for examinations using her synopses as a rule got an “excellent” grade into his or her student’s record book. Zhenya Romashov had special trusting relationship with Timokha, so it was he, who received her synopses first. Kostya Romashov, Zhenka’s younger brother was lucky as well, as Zhenka had his own methods of making his brother accustomed to medicine. You know, Yevgeniy liked to relax on a sofa in the evening and made his brother sit next to him, gave him a textbook or a synopsis, and Kostya had to read aloud for him, though Zhenya was listening while napping and sometimes even started snoring a little. However as soon as Kostya stopped reading Zhenya menacingly told him: “Go on reading, I am listening carefully”. And he was really listening and heard. Once Kostya examined Zhenka; asked him to repeat what he had just read, after his snoring. So Yevgeniy repeated everything he had heard word by word and warned Kostya that he would haul him over the coals, if he ever checked him again! Him, the elder brother! Though, by the way, he never executed his threat. So in that winter evening of 1970 Kostya was studying hard in a dorm for his surgery examination. It should be said, that he believed surgery to be the main direction of medicine, and wanted to get nothing less than an “excellent”. Zhenya came in as usually unexpected and with many questions: “What are you doing? Ah, you study. What are you reading? Cholecystitis, wonderful!”. Kostya understood what was wonderful about that only when Zhenka handed him Timonya’s synopsis and said that he had to learn by heart everything about cholecystitis for his therapeutics examination. Kostya was a kind guy, he read for Zhenka everything about those kinds of cholecystitis, and he himself learned everything he had read quite well.
Quiet! Examination is in progress!
The examination was conducted at a central district hospital of Kemerovo region. That was, if one took a #51 bus, then at Rudnik a stop had the same name of “A Hospital”. They say that everybody has his own “skeletons in a wardrobe”. In Kostya’s case that was his propensity to be late for examinations or as he said “be a little late”. That time he did not fail to follow his rule, he was worried that he could be late and finally was late. He rushed into the hospital building when everybody had already taken the exam, to be more precise, one person was still there answering to an examiner. The examiner was not an institute’s staff instructor, but a substituting one from practicing doctors. I do not remember his last name, but it looks like his name was Nikolay Nikolayevitch, as among the students he was called Nik-Nik. He looked tired, was a bit unshaved – he seemed to be after a night shift, and had to deal with exams and latecomers. It looked like he was about to reprimand Kostya. Though the latter also was no fool, he did not allow the instructor even to open his mouth, apologized and announced that he would not keep him long, and would answer without any preparation. Without asking for permission, he took an examination card and, oh, it was a miracle! There was cholecystitis in it!
Without a moment’s thought, like we do, when sing the song: “Jingle bells,….” Kostya started expounding classification and diagnostics, and all symptoms starting with bitter taste in a mouth up to Courvoisier symptom. Nik-Nik was sitting with his eyes closed as if having a nap. However Kostya was not the one to be tricked by that, he had trained on Zhenka by unnoticeable for others signs see that a person was not asleep. So Kostya started recounting treatment: spasmolytics, activated carbon, antibiotics, choleretics. He was also telling the dosage – super. So what else the man could need? However he started asking additional questions:
V: - Blood picture?
O: - Leykocytosis from ... to ...
V: - ESR (erythrocyte sedimentation rate)
O: - Accelerated.
V: - Shetkin-Blumberg symptom?
O: - Can be positive.
“Everything is correct, but your treatment does not help the patient. What shall we do?” Oh, what a bore Nik-Nik turned to be. Kostya started getting out of a scrape saying: extra spasmolytics, antibiotics, got a patient eventually on a drip of glucose. And Nik-Nik was insisting that the temperature was going up anyway. Kostya got confused, as he remembered very well that there was nothing else in Timoshka’s synopsis. And that was Timonya herself, and there was some…
And Nikolay Nikolayevitch asked in tired and annoyed voice: “Well, and where are you now?” And Kostya did not think of anything better than to say: “At the examination”. Ultimately, Kostya was given a night to resolve the issue and was sent away till the next day. And on his way to the exam he had thought he would get an excellent grade. Kostya felt disgusting in his heart. He had told him everything like a poem… He went outside, stopped to light a cigarette and turned to the entrance covering it from wind. He looked up and saw a sign: “USSR Healthcare Ministry Surgery department…” Kostya understood everything, as the question was not just cholecystitis, but acute cholecystitis. And he, stubborn as a mule, was telling the surgeon…
How slowly time was crawling on that day. Kostya annoyed Zhenka with an old joke about scrotal hydrocele. “A patient comes to a surgeon, shows his problem: scrotum sticks out of suspensory, like size eight breasts out of a size three bra. The surgeon diagnoses the illness as hydrocele and concludes that a surgical treatment is needed. The patient’s got scared and rushed away from the surgeon. He has come to a therapist. The latter asked what he was frightened by? Perhaps you visited a surgeon and he told you that it had to be cut. “And what have you got? I see - hydrocele. Get on a chair and jump down from it.” The patient jumped.
“And now get on a table and jump down from it.” The patient did so. Then the therapist suggested the patient jumping down from a bookcase, and after that the scrotum fell off by itself. “You see, - the therapist said, - and surgeons cannot do anything else but cut”.
In the morning Kostya without being late, at 9 am sharp, was at the hospital and right in the hall told Nik-Nik, when he was passing by: “The surgery is needed, it needs to be cut”. The instructor laughed and without any further questions signed his student’s record book with a “good” grade and wished him good luck. “And he is a decent man”, - Kostya thought and headed to boast to Zhenka that he had passed the exam.
22 June, 2012
© Copyright: Oleg Syedyshev, 2012
Publishing licence #214040200700
Translated by Viktoria Potykinato content ↑