Humorous Essays Based on students' memories
"All have died
except for those who are alive, and those whom we remember"Confucius
- From the author
- Review of a book by O.P.Syedyshev "The Guys"
- Copyright
The Guys
Essay 1. How I became a student
Essay 2. Mini-dorm
Essay 3. Arkasha
Essay 4. Ditto
Essay 5. Vagram
Essay 6. Eugene
Essay 7. Slava Sizikov
Essay 8. Batya
Essay 9. Tolik and Vagram
Essay 10. Ilgam and Otari
Essay 11. Petya Kozlov and a pipe
Essay 12. Golubev and Sasha Plokhikh
Essay 13. Serezha Sherbinin
Essay 14. Operative surgery exam
Essay 15. Striptease of Leada Syrkasheva
Essay 17. Pseudo wedding
Essay 18. How I was a trade union organi...
Essay 19. Anatomy
Essay 20. #118 Group
Essay 21. RW
Essay 22. Brothers Romashov
Essay 23. Pharmakology
Essay 24. Sambo
Essay 25. Dimka the Wine-Maker
Essay 26. Brewery
Essay 27. Delicacy
Essay 28. Muster
Essay 29. Festival
Essay 30. Cant wait to get married
Essay 31. Beer at lectures
Essay 32. Examinations
Essay 33. The murder will out
Essay 34. An accident
Essay 35. Vendetta
Essay 36. A lesson to remember for a lif...
Essay 38. A wedding ring
Essay 40. How different all of them are
Essay 41. Product #2
Essay 42. A guitar
Essay 43. A stranger in medicine
Essay 44. Oh, sports - You are life!
Essay 45. Canalis nasolacrimalis
Essay 46. Young Communist League (Komsom...
Essay 47. Unus - one out of five
Essay 48. His Majesty photographer
Essay 49. Three tablets of aminazine
Essay 50. "Nothern Lights"
Essay 51. Gentlemen of luck
Essay 52. Brother-2
Essay 53. Three thanks
Essay 54. Superstitious Beliefs
Essay 56. Satanic Grin
Essay 57. 21 Gurgles
Essay 58. Triplets
Essay 59. Pilau on Issyk Kul
Essay 60. Is speculation business or not...
Essay 61. Bitter Sugar
Essay 63. Cream Of Wheat
Essay 64. Feeling Of Pride
Essay 65. Was It Love?
Essay 67. Examination Paper #13
Essay 68. The Devil of Adventurism
Essay 69. Sketching Characters
Essay 70. An Excursion
Essay 71. Winter examinations
Essay 72. Stierlitz is no match for them...
Essay 73. Inhale through your mouth, ple...
Essay 74. Hitler kaputt!
Essay 75. A second-year student
Essay 76. Mistakes should be paid for!
Essay 77. Four letters
Essay 78. Prince of Imereti
Essay 79. There are too few workers and ...
Essay 80. A pood of salt
Essay 81. A Prankster
Essay 82. Let's Man The Barricades!
Essay 83. Now A Kiss!
Essay 84. Briefs
Essay 85. A Miracle!
Essay 86. A mouse!.. in a hairdo? How ve...
Essay 87. A Born Obstetrician
Essay 88. International Children's Day
Essay 91. Here is the one for you, fasci...
Essay 94. A sight for sore eyes
Essay 96. REAR
Essay 97. And you are a gambler, Paramos...
Essay 98. An Ode to Pilav
Essay 99. Always hungry
Essay 100. Dudes
Essay 114. The night before
Essay 119. An autograph
Essay 130. Déjà vu
Essay 137. Twelve
Essay 141. A password is needed
Essay 142. Home brew
Essay 143. Mind what you say
Essay 144. Experimenters
Essay 145. An autograph
Essay 146. Hydrocele
Essay 147. Clip on the back of the head
Essay 148. Al Qasr
Essay 149. We were optimists...
Essay 150. Despotic and wilful person
Essay 151. With a sickle at the balls
Essay 152. Liquidation
Essay 153. Resonance
Essay 154. Shock therapy
Essay 155. Good luck of Victor Kiss
Essay 156. Herd instinct
Essay 157. Cond'omer
Essay 159. The Gypsy Baron
Essay 160. SI system
Essay 161. Foie gras
Essay 162. Divine disposition
Essay 163. Chizhik-Pyzhik*
Essay 164. Culinary terrorist act
Essay 172. At the world's end
Essay 173. Rupture
After graduation
Essay 37 Whyte chrysanthemums
Essay 55 We Are the Eleventh! So What?
Essay 62 Feinzilberg's Mistake
Essay 90 Betwixt and Between...
Essay 92 Those who are drowning are to ...
Essay 93 People, be happy
Essay 116 Here's a fine how d'ye do!
Essay 131 Feminine logic
Essay 132 Bimbo and, pardon, balls
Essay 133 Forty years later
Essay 134 Product #2 again
Essay 136 Striptease of Fomitch
Essay 138 Love and gastric ulcer
Essay 139 A victim of essays
Essay 140 Sleep!
Essay 158 Help-it's a panic
Essay 165 A Hen
Essay 166 The first vacation
Essay 167 Tails
Essay 168 PEA
Essay 169 Sochi
Essay 170 VOLGA
Essay 171 Muriuk
Essay 174 Bear's disease
Essay 175 An escape
Kitchen talks
Essay 39. A brick on the top of the head
Essay 89. Guriev Porridge (or conversati...
Essay 113. Prosperity of Russia
Essay 135. A Prescription
Beyond the Horizon
Essay 16. Its a small world
Essay 66. Paris, Paris...
Essay 95. Milan is a Lucrative City
Essay 102. A Look and Something
Essay 103. Tango 'Magnolia'
Essay 110. Buddha is smiling
Essay 128. Red Light District
Essay 41. Product #2
Yes, the assembly conducted by the Military Training Department in summer, 1971, right after we had finished our fifth year, was remembered by all its participants, and for a long time. No wonder that I wrote already about the assembly and have again reverted to the subject. I remembered several more episodes of that summer camp life and can't wait to share the stories with you.The assembly was conducted in a village of Plotnikovo, which is sixty kilometers away from Kemerovo. The village is known only by its brewery producing well-known "Taiezhnoe" beer, that a Civil Defense Division is located there, and that a student of Kemerovo Medical Institute A.A. Shmalts was born and grew up there.
Leosha Shmalts
That was an alcohol substance of 70 per cent of alcohol, it had concentrated smell and taste of various fruit. It was used to make fruit caramel in a shop of a bread-baking plant in Plotnikovo. Someone of Shmalts' relatives was a boss there. So, we stood for Shmalts, but could not help playing a mean trick on him. In the story, which I called "The Muster", I described in all details how we all together in chorus by all our company counted the days. But there was one more thing we did for fun. Someone made a simple rhymed riddle and shouted it out loud, and the company was shouting the answer back. So someone also made a riddle about that kindest Shmalts guy at the very first days at the summer camp: "Whose sweet honeymoon is spent masturbating in a tent?" The riddle was shouted out in the evening. And the whole company stroke up like one in reply: "Shmalts!"
The next character of the story is Badri Lipartiya, a handsome Mingrelian.
As he used to say - he was a descendant of Dadiani himself. Everything was all right with him, except for one distressful problem. He started loosing his hair very fast as soon as he came to Kemerovo. That was depressing him so much, that every evening after combing his hair he was counting the hair left on the comb. We were convincing him to stop using a comb. But Badri was very stubborn, like a Ukrainian villager (please, for God's sake do not blame me for chauvinism or anything else), and still every evening was counting the hair left on his comb.
Badri Lipartiya
Everyone had to shoot from two positions: standing and lying. To perform the exercise each of us was given twelve cartridges, six cartridges per an exercise. One could make two shots in a row. Somehow we managed to insert the cartridges into our Kalashnikov machine guns; the mainspring was very tight. I wonder how soldiers insert 33 cartridges in there. Well, let's skip this. Back to the shooting exercise; the shooting marks were about one hundred meters away from us, and if we hit a target, it was put back with an electric motor without approaching it. So another group of students, in which there was Badri Lipartiya, was called to the position. Even before the beginning of the shooting Badri was demonstrating such tricks with his machine gun, that the officers commanded "Strike ground!" twice and fell down too. Somehow everyone was put in the right position. The students were told what to do and in what sequence and warned that they could shoot only at the command.
While major Glebov was giving all the explanations suddenly there were many shots fired one after another. Not more than five meters in front of the students the ground splashed in small fountains, and all the five targets which were much further away fell down hit.
We burst into a storm of applause and the officers into yells of indignation. It was found out that Badri Lipartiya closed his eyes and pulled the trigger without waiting for the command and did not let the trigger go before all twelve cartridges were shot. Everybody was surprised how he had managed to hit all the five shooting marks, as he had been shooting down almost at his feet. And when they started lifting the shooting marks for the next group, it became clear that Badri had cut with his shots the cable of the electric motors, which were lifting the shooting marks. That was the end of the shooting exercises on that day. We were sent back to the regiment, and on the way there it happened so that Badri stepped into a cow's poop.
That caused even a greater wave of talking.
Before that everyone greeted Badri with successful shooting, but then they started explaining to him that that was a sign of good luck with money, etc., etc. Badri was doing his best to defend himself against those who were offering him their congratulations or explanations. And in the very evening someone made and shouted a riddle: "Who is bold and all in poop moving backwards to the group?" No one rehearsed or knew about that beforehand, but the whole company shouted the answer: "Li - par - tiya". Badri, unlike Shmalts, did not keep silence, he dashed out of his tent and demanded to name the one who had shouted the riddle and promised to kill the one. There was no one eager to confess.
Vadik Pochekutov was, like me, from Kedrovskiy opencast mine.
Vadik Pochekutov
Well, and what kind of rest there could be in a regiment? Someone was idly hanging around, someone was strumming on the guitar, someone was singing along with the strumming. So everybody was doing whatever he wanted. And Vadik Pochekutov decided to have a nap. His camp bed was in the corner at the end of the tent. It was hot during the day, as it was July; the tent's sides were folded up. Vadik was asleep so fast that he sprawled out on the camp bed like on a granny's feather bed. And how could he only contrive to sleep on his back, put his left hand under his head and throw his right arm away, and in such a way that it fell out of the tent and blocked the passageway. And the palm of the hanging out hand was up.
Vadim was tall with long legs and long arms. At the beginning nobody noticed him, later someone put a kopek on Vadik's palm, then another one. They were in his palm, because Vadim's fingers were brought together a bit. Afterwards someone put two lumps of sugar on the palm.
Vadik was still fast asleep and did not change his posture. And then the news spread throughout the camp that everybody put anything he wished into Pochekutov's hand. Our imagination broke loose; someone offered to find a poop and put it in the hand, but no one was willing to look for it. Someone had an idea to find and put a condom (a Product #2, as you remember, it is mentioned in the film "A Window to Paris"), and it had to be a used one. Everybody immediately liked the idea. Though there was a big problem; we were in Plotnikovo, and not in Kemerovo. And there Badri Lipartiya came and offered a Product #2, though the brand new one. At that time they were not packed that fancy as they are now. We questioned Badri: "Where did you get it?".
And Badri told us that he had brought it from Kemerovo just in case. Well, as soon as we did not have any used condoms, we collectively decided to imitate as if it had been used. We opened it and carefully put it somehow on his finger. Vadik was asleep in spite of whispers and giggles around him. You just image an arm hanging out of the tent and in the hand there are several coins of one and two kopeks, lumps of sugar and on the index finger there is the Product #2, one end of which is hanging down.
The lottery ticket was rejected by all of us at once: "What kind of winnings? His arm is full of so useful things - what does it mean? Isn't it the winnings?"
Soon there were no those who were idly hanging around the camp; everybody was waiting for Vadik's reaction when he woke up. Guys even moved to the benches, which were close to Vadik's tent. But something incomprehensible happened. When we looked at the tent the next time, no one saw the arm hanging out of it, but there was nothing on the ground there as well. There was no Vadik's reaction at all. It was much more interesting to watch how Badri was annoying everyone while expressing his indignation that his idea to put a lottery ticket in the hand had been rejected.
Oleg Syedyshev
Sasha Popovitch
august, 10 2011
© Copyright: Oleg Syedyshev, 2012
Publishing licence #21204250865
Translated by Viktoria Potykinato content ↑