Syedyshev Oleg
Syedyshev Oleg

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Humorous Essays Based on students' memories

"All have died
except for those who are alive, and those whom we remember"Confucius

Essay 44. Oh, sports - You are life!

Kemerovo State Medical Institute weight lifting combined team at a beach in Chelyabinsk

Kemerovo State Medical Institute
weight lifting combined team at a beach in Chelyabinsk

Let them say what they like, but sports played a notable place at the institute. There was a paradox, nobody liked physical training, but many did sports, and the rest were cheering for them. Let's take me as an example. I did not want to attend physical training classes at any cost, though if to sum up the time I spent on my sambo (type of wrestling) training, it took twice more of my time. And I could mention by chance that I had been exempt from the PT. In our group except me Volodya Bobkov was also allowed not to attend PT classes; he brought a reference letter from an airfield, where he was doing skydiving. Volodya used to say: "If you failed the very first time, skydiving is not for you". He loved black humor. Kolya Kovalchuk was exempt from the PT by the Military Training Department, as he was good at shooting. Vagram Agadzhanyan and Volodya Kardashov were in the institute's combined volleyball team. Totally there were five guys out of fifteen. And in addition to that many of my friends were doing sports, that is why I remember many interesting stories of my own or the ones they told me. If one looks into it, except achievements there are also sports related events in sports. For instance, in a weight lifting combined team of the institute, a member of which was my friend, a powerful man from the Don river area, Tolik Lopatin, there was the following incident. But let me tell everything in order. A coach of the Kemerovo State Medical Institute team Velantin Mikhailovitch Kalinin, an instructor of the PT Department, was a "playing" coach, as he also performed in the team. His motto was: "The teaching of weight lifters is omnipotent!".

A member of the team was one of my first acquaintances at the institute Zhora Chernobay from Kuban, you remember him from my other essays. I did not mention that in the story "A Mini Dorm", and that was the following: every time Zhora went out of a bathroom, Kolya Kozlov and Zhenka Romashov asked him: "Well, the weightlifter, have you established a record in a jerk? (In Russian the word "jerk" and a spoken name of a "toilet" sound the same). How is the equipment, did it stand it?" Everybody was laughing, and Zhora gave a good-natured answer: "You are fools..." At first I did not dare, but then, too, started inquiring about Zhora's achievements in a jerk. In the team there were several guys I did not know well: "Yasha Kutsenko, Kim or An, Serezha Markov and Volodya Terekhov. So the Kemerovo State Medical Institute (KSMI) team went to a Siberia and the Urals weightlifting Championship among the medical schools. Zhora Chernobay was in the second heavy weight, and in the light heavyweight there were two guys: Terekhov Volodya and Tolik Lopatin, and there was nobody in the first heavyweight. And there the most active sports related activities started. It was good for the team to be presented in all weight categories; so V.M.Kalinin pointed at Tolik Lopatin and said: "You must gain five kilos for three days, to be registered in the first heavyweight".

A Don Cossack F.G.Lopatin

A Don Cossack F.G.Lopatin

Poor Tolik, he turned to be one kilo heavier than Terekhov. And there it started. We were on the train for two days before we reached Chelyabinsk; and Tolik was fed like a prize turkey. Then he was stuffed with food for two days in Chelyabinsk before the competition. When I came to Ukraine, I learned to fatten turkeys. First of all, they were put in a cage in order not to flap their wings and loose fat. Then they were forced to swallow sweat peas and bay leaves, and bread soaked in milk for a couple of days, so when a turkey was slaughtered its meat was tender, juicy and sweet. But that was a turkey! And Tolik did not look like a turkey at all; he was much nicer and my friend after all. So he, like the turkey, was stuffed with food, and even three hours before the competition he was made to eat two first courses, three second courses and three glasses of stewed fruit on the top. And when they were taken to be weighed, Tolik (he was a real Don Cossack!) brought a three liter jar of his favorite apricot compote, but in order not to perform all the exercises with it as if with a weight and not to step on a scale with it, but to increase his weight with it, if it would fall short. And it happened exactly that way; the scale showed 87 kg! The weight fell short by 3 kilos, and there were forty minutes left before the official weighing. And there Tolik won his first victory, he slowly, a sip after sip, drank the apricot compote. If before that he had enjoyed drinking it, that time he was literally stuffing the last sips into himself. Slowly and gradually moving his legs Tolik went to be weighed. It is true, when they say, that all judges are scum, both in a court and at competitions. And Tolik had the one, who was not only a scum, but a sadist, too, who made him take his shoes off! How do you like that ruse? For sure that was the intrigue of the contestants. Just tell me, how could he take his shoes off, if he was afraid even to move? And there Zhora gave a hand. I had always loved Zhora and told everyone, that he had a kind soul. Chernobay made Tolik sit in a recumbent position to avoid any pressure on his belly and himself took Tolik's shoes off. Tolik stepped on the scale, and, just imagine, there were ninety kilos sharp, and it was required to have at least a gram more. And there Zhora again came with help; he poured a glass of water on Tolik, and the judge registered the weight, which was so necessary to the whole KSMI team!!! Hurray!!!

A Don Cossack F.G.Lopatin

A Don Cossack F.G.Lopatin

Well, and after that it was a matter of pure technique, which our guys were good at, and they won in their weight categories correspondingly: Tolik - the first place, Zhora - the second place and Terekhin the third one, which moved the KSMI team up to the honorable third place among the medical universities of Siberia and the Urals. Now you see, what we are made of!
Though, we could have had two first prizes and the resulting second place for the team. And there our Zhora Chernobay made an exhibition of himself. He lost the first prize to his contestant by the number of approaches to a weight. I would like to tell you about the very first approach and a jerk. After all the peripeteia with Tolik, Zhora got a bit excited by his wit and Tolik's gratitude and Kalinin's praise. That excitement played a mean joke on Zhora. There was a jerk, which Tolik was especially good at; he knew the technique, and mastered it excellently as well as a "low seat" method, but not at that time. Here is the sequence of Zhora's acts. The weight to start with was the one for children - 115 kg. Zhora nicely and even a bit theatrically performed a technical move "low seat". Kalinin flourished; that well Zhora performed everything. And there the unimaginable happened: Zhora kicked his sneakers against a bump of the platform and fell forward, on his belly. The audience shouted: "Ouch!!!" The weight, because of the jerk, went backwards and fell on his back and pressed his waist down. Zhora's belly flattened out almost along the whole platform. And what was the most important, Zhora was not in pain, but could not get up by himself. The weight turned out to be between a messive back and even more messive buttocks. When the audience saw Zhora stirring and that he had not been hurt, it started laughing, and when the assistants freed him from the captivity, the audience burst into storm of applause.
Tolik Lopatin when he was young, or since the moment I got acquainted with him, produced an impression of a calm guy, who possessed great self-command and lacked any adventurism, but as they say, nobody's perfect. Suddenly Tolik showed his other side. It was before the spring examinations for the first year. The KSMI combined team went to a regional championship among universities. That time Tolik was competing in high jumps. It was his, so to say, winning kind of sport. He told us that at secondary school his class teacher had said: "All kids have an awl in their buts, but Lopatin has a spring there". It turned out that in the KSMI team there was no one who could compete in pole-vault. The coach offered Tolik to perform the pole-vault. Perhaps because he was absolutely ignorant about what that was like, Tolik agreed and took his position at the starting line. Just imagine a guy, who took in his hands a pole for the first time in his life and went to perform a pole-vault. He bravely approached the starting line, toll the pole, made his run, pushed off from the ground... and the pole froze in precisely vertical position, and on its top at about four or four and a half meters above the ground, there was "the baby" , whose height was one meter and ninety centimeters and weight - just a bit less than one hundred kilos. The audience at the stands was laughing loud. Tolik jerked, because he felt offended, the pole bended a bit, Tolik unclasped his hands and landed on the other side of the high bar. The judges registered that the bar of three meters was cleared. His friends greeted him, were shaking his hands, and the coach praised him. The next height was 3.5 meters, but Tolik firmly said: "No!" And none of coach's persuasions helped. Those, who are Tolik's friends, know that Lopatin has a heart of stone. If he said something it was invariable.
If you need to form a team to win in pole-vault, you should look for a guy who can pole-vault seven feet high, and not seven ones, who can jump a foot high each. Somebody wise said that. I recollected the expression and liked it, and I took it as an epigraph to the final story.

A Don Cossack F.G.Lopatin

A Don Cossack F.G.Lopatin

You will laugh, but Tolik Lopatin was exactly that kind of guy. Yes, he could, and most importantly wanted to pole-vault, wanted to win. The principle: participation prevails over victory was considered by him to be Menshevist propaganda of weakness and inability to carry to completion what had been started.
Tolik could carry to successful completion what he had started. And how eager he was to win! He was longing for victory in spite of anything. The following is for you to judge. Lopatin was a second year student of Medical Department and was preparing to take an anatomy exam; at his group the exam was conducted by the notorious Faradey. So on the eve of the examination Tolik went to a store to buy some bread; the lot fell on him. Tolik's roommate was Vagram; they cast lots when there were any chores to do. The lot to get some bread fell on Tolik. And it happened so that on his way he met Volodya Kardashov, who was taking examinations as well, but was more interested in various sports competitions, he was a walking poster. Volodya enlightened Tolik that at a gym of a secondary school #54 there was conducted a "Jumper's Day", to be more exact a high jumps open championship of Kuzbass. "It's cool! That's how I've got some bread", - Tolik thought. (Perhaps, it was he who made the expression popular). "Tonight I'll stretch my muscles, and there are three full days left before the exam". Tolik did not walk, but flew as if he had wings back home. Though, he calmed down at the entrance. Vagram was waiting for bread, he was already cutting sausage to make sandwiches; a kettle was already boiled. And when they were devouring the sandwiches with the "Doctor's" sausage, Tolik, innocently asked Vagram for an advice: "Vagramchik, don't you think it would be good, if I stretch my muscles?" and told him about the "Jumper's Day". Vagram himself liked to go to Russian baths together with me before his exams, so he replied without a moment's thought: "Yeah, go, do it, but do not come back without scoring a victory". Tolik even stopped chewing; one could not overeat before the jumps; he quickly put his red T-shirt in his bag. And Vagram continued making fun of him: "And take yellow boxers". Tolik was surprised: "Why yellow? I've got white boxers and socks". Vagram was laughing loudly and promised to tell Tolik the reason why after the competitions. Tolik grabbed his sneakers and his training suit and quickly left. It was a short walk. Tolik did not notice how he got there. He was not a beginner at that kind of competitions, so he knew all of his potential competitors.

The best Kuzbass students - high jumpers

The best Kuzbass students - high jumpers

He came on time; Yura Lobastov and Kolya Teplyakov from Novokuznetsk polytechnic institute were already warming up. Kardash was sitting on a fans' bench drinking beer, he waved his hands in a welcoming way, as if saying that he had enough beer to share. Kardash was Kardash, he was incorrigible.
Yura and Kolya were nice, friendly guys, so Tolik confessed to them that he had gotten sick and tired of that anatomy, and decided to stretch his muscles and do something different. So the competition started. Tolik was at his best, and cleared the first three heights of 170, 175 and 180cm from the very first try, playfully and with significant potential. Kardash was raving on his bench; it looked like he had something else except his beer. A height of 185cm was set; that was Tolik's best result, and he cleared it from the first try as well. Yura Lobastov and Kolya Teplyakov had cleared the height too, but from the second and third tries. So the bar was set at the height of 190. And as Tolik said afterwards, he even had not thought that the height was seven centimeters higher than his own height, and that that was his personal record. Generally speaking, he came to stretch his muscles, and not to compete. He ran up, jumped and heard the enthusiastic yell of Kardash: "He's cleared it!!!". Kolya, too, cleared the height of 190 from the second try, but Yura failed. And then they were shaking in their shoes, the height of 195 was not cleared neither by Tolik, nor by Nikolay. Tolik won by the best tries summed up. Like I told you, he was a Cossack, a Don Cossack, dashing Cossack. "Have you had a good warm up?" - was the only thing the guys managed to ask him. Don't forget that at that time the fosbury flop technique was not developed, the guys were jumping the regular "throw-over" way. Tolik barely managed to get rid of Volodya Kardashov, who was demanding to have a party to celebrate his victory; when he got home he announced to Vagram that his requirement to score a victory had been fulfilled, and it was Vagram's turn to explain why he had suggested him wearing yellow boxers. Vagram again was laughing for a long time, and then told Tolik a joke about Chapayev and Pet'ka (Russia's Civil war, 1918-1921, heroes, main characters of series of jokes), the one about Chapayev's red shirt and his yellow riding breeches. That time both of them had a good laugh.

The facts for the story were kindly given by A.G.Lopatin.

august, 16 2011

© Copyright: Oleg Syedyshev, 2012
Publishing licence #21204250880

Translated by Viktoria Potykinato content ↑


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