Syedyshev Oleg
Syedyshev Oleg

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Humorous Essays Based on students' memories

"All have died
except for those who are alive, and those whom we remember"Confucius

Essay 164. Culinary terrorist act

Just have a look at a plate of borsh. How many associations it can invoke in a man not devoid of imagination. Without any doubts your mouth is watering now, and you feel like stirring sour cream and eat, eat, eat…
Why not, most of people would act exactly that way. And if borsh is served by a pretty waitress, then appetite is increased many times.

In 1970 a café “Sovremennik” opened in Kemerovo. It was located at the corner of Kirova Str. and N.Ostrovskiy Str., in front of the City Garden, right near the #3 municipal hospital. The café was cozy and clean. Young girls-waitresses were hired to work at the new café. And during the day time they also served business lunches of a salad, a first course, a second course and obligatorily prune compote. The lunches were tasty, affordable and were highly popular among senior students of the medical institute. Your most humble servant used to visit the café, not very often, but he used to come there to have sour pottage with pickles, which was just very good at “Sovremennik”. The trio of bosom friends: Vova Farbirovitch, Vitya Kubasov and Shura Popovitch came there to have business lunch as well.

   

Everybody can eat tasty things, but to eat in a tasty way is a talent, this is God’s gift. So the three of them had the talent and with great appetite, getting inspired by each other, and with jokes and loud laughter spent their lunchtime there. Once Volodia, before the ordered lunch was served, told the guys a story about a fly in borsh: “Four men enter a café: a Georgian, an Englishman, a Russian and a Jew. They ordered borsh, and there was a fly in each plate of borsh. The Georgian made a waiter to wear borsh on his head, the Englishman politely asked to exchange the dish, the Russian took the fly out and started eating, and the Jew received money from the waiter for keeping the secret”.

Sasha and Volodia were laughing out loud, Viktor’s reaction was strange – he hemmed and got into a deep thought. On the next day Vitya Kubasov urged his friends to go to “Sovremennik” for lunch, and he was very glad, when he saw that borsh was included in the lunch menu. The guys were terribly intrigued, as Vitya, who was always self-restrained and calm, somewhat imposing, acted inadequately to his self. Well, Viktor, after he had enough of enjoying Sasha and Volodia’s impatience told them, that he doubted very much that the dishes returned by guests for any possible reason got thrown away. The guys were nodding for agreement. So he had planned an experiment to prove his suspicion and make his table companions laugh at the same time. Vova and Shura’s eyebrows slowly moved up demonstrating their utmost curiosity. The serpent-tempter slowly opened his brief-case, was rummaging in it for inappropriately long time as if looking for something, and took out of it a jewelry box. The guys’ jaws dropped down. Vitya in a showy way opened the box, and there was a dead fly in it.

At that moment a waitress brought the order. Vitya very carefully in order not to ruin the original outlook of borsh and, God forbid, break that mini-iceberg of a tea spoon of sour cream, poured a table spoon of salt and a spoon of mustard into the borsh, and it was extremely hot at “Sovremennik”; after that he put the fly into the borsh. To the reasonable question of, what he was doing? Vitya carelessly replied – a BOMB, culinary bomb. He called the waitress and even without saying a word with his eyes pointed to the fly in the plate. The waitress blushed, got confused, apologized and took the ill-fated plate away; in a minute she brought new borsh, in which an iceberg of sour cream was at least three times bigger. The guys thanked the waitress and started eating. Vitya asked them to be attentive, listen and watch the people around. So literally in about five or ten minutes there was a loud yell and a scandal burst out.

Well, Viktor was explaining, that according to his understanding, the waitress took the plate, carefully put the fly out of it and served it to another guest. So he, like a normal person, stirred sour cream together with the hellish mixture in his borsh...
The guys repeated their culinary terrorist act several times more. There was a problem of where to get a fly in winter?

september,25 2013

© Copyright: Oleg Syedyshev, 2012
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Translated by Viktoria Potykinato content ↑


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