Syedyshev Oleg
Syedyshev Oleg

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Humorous Essays Based on students' memories

"All have died
except for those who are alive, and those whom we remember"Confucius

Essay 156. Herd instinct

Where can one find measure of human foolishness? How to measure stupidity? In what units should foolishness be denoted? Even Albert Einstein, the Wise Head, as piqué vests used to say in Ilf and Petrov (Ilf and Petrov were two Soviet authors of the 1920s and 1930s; they did much of their writing together, and are almost always referred to as "Ilf and Petrov"), even he cannot give distinct definition, except size of stupidity. He beautifully said that: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former”.


The first year at an institute is a period of formation. This is the time when everybody considers himself or herself clever, lucky and super quick-witted. They do not need any reasons or grounds for that. The very fact of entering the institute is the proof and explanation. And it’s a disaster if these feelings do not leave students on time. Paraphrasing Remarque (Erich Maria Remarque, 1989 – 1970, one of the most famous German writers of the XX century) it can be said that a student should not be ashamed to be stupid in his first year, though it’s a shame to graduate from the institute being a fool.
Galya Veldyaskina, even though she did not know these sayings by Einstein and Remarque, got evidence that they were right. Here is what happened. The Physics department for some reason was not taken seriously by students-medics. Reckless, without any life experience, everything seemed to be easy and simple to them and fun as well. Galina’s group was lucky, an associate professor Voronina was conducting a course of physics for them. She was not doing anything special, but honestly followed the academic curriculum of the first semester for the first year students.

Together with the group she conducted lots of laboratory experiments and was waiting, when her lazybones would start getting those works up properly in their exercise books and after that passing them. No, she was not waiting passively for the laboratory works to be properly presented, but many times appealed to the students’ conscience. However the number of delayed laboratory works was growing, and the number of days before examinations was inexorably decreasing. And the reckless even did not bother; it seemed to them that everything would be resolved by itself, and Voronina would forget about everything. Nevertheless Voronina was not in a hurry to forget anything, though the reckless are the reckless even in Africa, so they were still waiting for something.


Who was the first to suggest the idea, which in the best way proves the Einstein’s point about infinity of foolishness, cannot be determined even now, many years after graduation from the institute. Nobody wants to claim authorship of the idea, which could cost to many from the group their study at the institute.
However back then everything seemed to be perfectly planned. Somehow they got the department’s telephone number. The group monitor, and it was she, who was trusted to play the main role, had to call from a pay-phone during another laboratory work, when it was possible to slip out of the class unnoticed, and call Voronina to the telephone and then keep saying hello, pretending that was a long distance call. She had to try to keep Voronina as long as possible at the telephone. Well, and the rest was a matter of skill and sleight of hand. So the group monitor went downstairs to the first floor of the building at Tretiy Osobiy to a pay phone; and what else could be done – there were not any mobile telephones back then, everybody got ready. Everything happened the way it had been planned. A laboratory assistant peeped into the class room and asked Voronina to the telephone saying that there was an urgent long distance call for her. Voronina left. Something unthinkable started in the group after that… Everybody as if they were crazy rushed all together to her desk and using her pen, snatching it out of hands of each other, started putting crosses in front of their names in her notebook as if their laboratory works had been passed. At that moment nobody even thought that those small crosses could turn into a big cross on their further study at the institute. Say whatever you like, but Einstein was right.
Galina together with her best friend Yulishna, or simply Yulia, also yielded to the herd instinct, they also rushed to the desk, and when the pen came into their hands, they put only one cross each – they could not bring themselves write more. And the people as if grew mad; some of them came up to the desk for the second time and scribbled five or six “passed” marks for themselves. Voronina was leaving almost a virgin clean notebook on the desk, and then she returned to …Good Lord, how much naïve one should be to believe that the professor with many years of academic experience, associate professor of the department would not notice anything? One had to see how eyes of always kind and calm Voronina grew big because of so many crosses in her notebook. She went out of the class without saying a word. She was out for a long time. Suddenly everybody began to see clearly and realized that they did too many incredibly stupid things.
Voronina was leaving if not a virgin clean notebook on the desk, and then she returned to ...Good Lord, how much naive one should be to believe that the professor with many years of academic experience, associate professor of the department would not notice anything? One had to see how eyes of always kind and calm Voronina grew big because of so many crosses in her notebook. She went out of the class without saying a word. She was out for a long time. Suddenly everybody began to see clearly and realized that they did too many incredibly stupid things.


Terribly stupid thing

Voronina returned accompanied by the Dean and the head of the department. The conversation was extremely unpleasant for everybody. The students were reprimanded and threatened with expel, and everybody was very ashamed. At the end of the conversation Voronina looked in the notebook and suddenly pointed at Galya and Yulia and said: “Here, there are only two decent and honest people in your group, they did not put any grades to themselves, so I will mark their laboratory works as passed without presenting them to me. And all the rest of you will be presenting your laboratory works to me till the very summer, you are punished by your own greed and stupidity. You should be happy that have not been expelled”.

Voronina was very kindhearted, so nobody was presenting the laboratory works till summer. Everybody apologized and was forgiven. The case was not pursued.

And Galina and her dear friend Yulishna decided not to disappoint Voronina as for themselves. They intuitively realized that failure to mention is not a lie.

P.S. It is not a shame to be born stupid; one should be ashamed to die a fool (Erich Maria Remarque)

10 April, 2012

© Copyright: Oleg Syedyshev, 2012
Publishing licence #214040300514

Translated by Viktoria Potykinato content ↑


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