Syedyshev Oleg
Syedyshev Oleg

Humorous Essays Based on students' memories

"All have died
except for those who are alive, and those whom we remember"Confucius

Essay 67. Examination Paper #13

It has always surprised me how Arkashka, our Komsomol group leader, managed to get out of any kind of scrape. He had never had any problems at the institute. Or if he had them, he concealed them so well, that nobody knew about them, which was also cool. For instance, Kostya Romashov was a Komsomol leader of his group at the Dentistry Department, however he managed to get into a pretty mess. It was just a miracle that he extricated himself from it, and not just got out of it, but almost without any consequences. There could be consequences at that time, though not like in 1937, yet they could be not sweet as well.

Here is what happened.
What they could do really well in the CPSU was to keep one hooked. Maybe they could not work and even did not want to, though when it came to humiliating, hauling somebody inferior over the coals - they were the best at that. Well, perhaps, that was what they called their work. And what kinds of most tricky things were designed for that! To put it more exactly, had been designed for that, as those communists used experience of their predecessors, and the latter had done their best and left abundant experience. That was squealing and informing on colleagues and friends at work and among the party members, and various conferences and reports at different levels. That was obligatory. It was necessary not only to haul over the coals and humiliate somebody inferior, but also to give him the same opportunity, that he acted in the same way with his associates. Komsomol leaders of student groups could be belittled by Komsomol leaders of student groups united according to a year of entering the institute and by Komsomol leaders of departments, in addition to all those party committees, that also wanted to have fun and arranged meetings during which they listened to reports about achievements in Komsomol activity of poor Komsomol group leaders.

And what could they do; what kind of activity to conduct? So Konstantin Romashov got also caught. That was his first report and he was timid. No wonder, there came professors, heads of departments and other party brethren. Kostya started glibly as it was required by the time limit then: "At the last CPSU congress the General Secretary Brezhnev said...", and there was heard a loud exclamation: "Stop!" It sounded rather threateningly. Everybody was silent, and from his seat got up an institute politburo member, Orthopedic Dentistry Department head Marsel Zakeyevitch Mirgazizov. That was an opportunity to lick, even though indirectly via minutes of the meeting, and the minutes were checked by the superior, so how he could miss the opportunity and he did not miss it.

"For all of us, comrades, this is the greatest person of the present, three times (at that moment) hero of the Soviet Union, General Secretary of the CPSU Leonid Illyich Brezhnev. And for this snotnose he is just Brezhnev. Didn't you say Brezhnev?" - he addressed Kostya. And Kostya fell into a stupor. He was standing silent, and in his head there was an idiotic joke about how a Chukchi was accepted into the CPSU. A Chikchi was shown a portrait of L.I.Brezhnev and asked: "Who is he?" The Chikchi said: "A chief, however". The party bureau asked: "What kind of chief?" The Chukchi: "A camp chief, however". The party bureau: "What kind of camp?" The Chikchi: "The socialist one, however". And with the thoughts about the camp chief and the Chukchi poor Kostya listened about what kind of booby he was and Mirgazizov's doubts if he (Kostya) would be able to work as a doctor in general. That was some turn the situation took. And M.Z.Mirgazizov was at his best, he decided to kick a secretary of the party committee of the institute

Associate Professor K.S.Glebov

Associate Professor

and offered to vote for his proposal to consider that awkward situation, and according to M.Z.Mirgazizov's definition an extremely scandalous one, as a personal fault of the secretary of the party committee of the institute. And they did vote for that. However that happened after they had sent Kostya out of the room. And at that time the secretary of the party committee was a true party member, not noticed in any discrediting contacts, of working-peasants class origin, Philosophy and Scientific Communism Department head associate professor K.S.Glebov.

Generally speaking, he was not a bad person, and the students if did not love him, then treated him as an unavoidable evil. Nevertheless M.Z.Mirgazizov had a heart of stone; by the way, later he transferred to a medical institute of Kazan.

Associate professor E.S.Shalneva

Associate professor

The incident took place in spring, but it received continuation in summer, during the examination session to be more exact. Everything was fine, and there was the last exam for Kostya to take, it was the CPSU History exam. The examination was conducted by the associate professor E.S.Shalneva.

She was loved by all students and famous by the name "Old Lena" or "Mom". Sure enough, Kostya's examination paper was number thirteen; well, the number was his bad luck. However examination questions were easy, Kostya knew the answers. In his mind he pictured Kirgizia and his mom's treats he would taste very soon. Though, they have a reason to mark the number thirteen out. It played its role that time as well. Kostya was on his way to Old Lena's table, when the door opened and the department deputy head Glebov came in: "Well, what's going on here? Group 41". And he saw Kostya standing at the table. "Ah, comrade Komsomol group leader, let's listen to you. Are you ready to answer? Please, sit down". Kostya immediately did not like Glebov's kindness, but there was nothing he could do. Glebov took Kostya's examination paper and said that for those questions he scored one point even without answering them. "Let's talk about the simplest thing, without which a soviet doctor cannot be considered a real doctor" - and he approached a wall where behind a curtain there was a stand with the CPSU Central Committee iconostasis.

Just imagine; all names and positions under the photos of the Central Committee members were hidden under glued slips of paper. Jesuits! Glebov opened the curtain: "Who is this?", and poked his pointer into Eduard Amvrosievich Shevornadze. That was it, the effect of the examination paper number thirteen; in Kostya's head there was again a stupid joke about a Chukchi and about "a chief, however..."; and being aware that he was saying something stupid, but against his will Kostya uttered: "A Chief...". Glebov's eyes from small ones grew big.



Glebov asked him to stand up and pointed at Kosygin's photo: "And who is this?". That time Tolik fell into a stupor. All in all they had to be re-examined in three days. "By me personally", Glebov added. Kostya could kiss Kirgizia goodbye, and Tolik his Krasnodar. On that day the guys drank "three seven" (brandy) and were sunbathing on the Tom's bank for the two following days. On the night before the re-examination Kostya and Tolik took double dose of caffeine, obtained through Tolik's sister, who worked at a drugstore, and crammed the Central Committee members in order and taken at random. They seemed to make no mistakes. Though Glebov, the parasite, started asking them about authority of each of them!
And as a result there were three days more to prepare for another re-examination, and then in case "if", to be re-examined in fall or even to be expelled. Sunbathing was forgotten. The situation was serious. Again through Tolik's sister they got caffeine and Benzedrine, and in that trance condition were cramming and cursing and cramming again. They already hated all members of the Central Committee, and were ready to tear into pieces in a perverted way Glebov and Mirgazizov.


Yet in their heads instead of the members' names there sounded: "caffeinum, caffeini is three methil xanthine, it improves CNS and increases diuresis". The students had a reason to call Shalneva Old Lena or Mom; when she saw that those two cool guys being subconscious came to take an exam she started lamenting, literally "cackling" over them, she took their student record books and signed them with satisfactory grades. And those two sniffers even could not say thank you or express their happiness. They slept for two days in a row, even did not wake up to use a bathroom. Well many years passed. Kostya and Tolik tell me that they still remember the joke about a Chukchi, and have never learned names of the politburo members. Nevertheless they are good doctors. Mirgazizov was wrong.

The plot of the essay was kindly given by K.D.Romashov.

1 October, 2011

© Copyright: Oleg Syedyshev, 2012
Publishing licence #21207230581

Translated by Viktoria Potykinato content