Syedyshev Oleg
Syedyshev Oleg

Humorous Essays Based on students' memories

"All have died
except for those who are alive, and those whom we remember"Confucius

Essay 84. Briefs

People tend to see as good luck or bad luck something they cannot find clear explanation for. For example: "I do not see what kind of my intentions and acts led to that my group was assigned to an associate professor Larisa Andreyevna Nikolayeva to take an anatomy course, that is why I believe that to be my good luck". Or: "I do not see what kind of my intentions and acts led to that I was asked a question on the topic "Structure of a Testicle" during an anatomy class, that is why I believe that to be my bad luck". In other words, Galina Yurovskaya, and back then Veldyanskaya, had an attitude of that kind to her life experience,

but she had never thought about why she acted in a certain way, but not in the other one. "This is my fate..." - Galya thought.

When before the beginning of the anatomy course their group had learned that it would be read by an associate professor Larisa Andreyevna Nikolayeva, they became happy and scared at the same time. The group was collecting information about her and then announced the obtained facts during their get-together. However that did not bring peace to their restless souls. The facts were the following:
- Smart, well, thanks, God;
- Obsessed, that was dangerous;
- Cool, that was good;
- Sharp tongue, we'll deal with that.

What was a bit scary and confusing was that she was also called "The gal of the old training" and "Old stager". After interpreting that in various ways the group concluded that she was as people say: "A gal with balls", this is how women are called for their tough characters.

The following events confirmed that all information the group had collected outside and the conclusions they made themselves were one hundred per cent correct. Larisa Andreyevna's favorite saying was quite pretentious: "The Lord knows anatomy for an excellent grade, I know anatomy for a good with a minus, and you, students, know it for a bad grade, and I will prove that to you", neither more nor less. And she did prove that on a regular basis. Re-examinations were falling like from a horn of plenty. That was a real nightmare; the group quitted arranging parties. That was unheard of that parties were put off. They studied anatomy. And together with that they were improving their Latin, as Nikolayeva was talking to the group exceptionally in Latin.

Yeah, that was some situation, no one would envy. The one who was called to answer was walking to a basin with preparations as if to be shot, as if he was doomed, and because of that forgot even what he remembered like a multiplication table during a break. Nevertheless, life went on, re-examinations were given and passed. And once... A class had just started, Galya Veldyaskina was absolutely calm; she answered at the previous class and even managed not to receive a re-examination. It was known from experience that, if one was asked at a previous class, he or she would not be asked at the present one.
And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, she heard: "Veldyaskina, well...". And that was said in Russian, to be more precise, demanded for an answer. The answer on the topic: "Structure of a Testicle".

Like a lightning a thought flashed in her mind: "A gal with balls, people know how to call them". Unluckily she could not share the thought with anyone; she had to share her knowledge. Galya came up to a basin with prepared male genitals both internal and external,

and it's a whole collection. That was not for nothing that she set with a textbook for the whole evening the day before; she studied and knew all seven membranes of a testicle, she knew why there were so many of them and glibly started naming them in the following order: starting with skin and then further inside:

1. Skin,
2. Tunica dartos,
3. Fascia spermatica externa,
4. Fascia cremasterica,
5. Musculus cremaster,
6. Fascia spermatica interna,
7. Tunica vaginalis testis.

Galya was already anticipating a good grade; she could not even dream about an excellent one, though it seemed to her that she had a good in her pocket, and the second one in a row; and then something unbelievable happened. The associate professor Larisa Andreyevna Nikolayeva asked her to name the eighth membrane of a testicle! Galya remembered absolutely well that in the textbook it was written about seven membranes, and she had already given their names without any mistakes. Good Lord, wasn't it she about who Arkadiy Raykin (1911 - 1987, a popular Soviet stand-up comedian) had said that the associate professor was stupid? And when Larisa Nikolayevna gave Galina a bad grade, "That was about her, for sure, about her", Galya was thinking when returning to her seat. And there the situation started developing in the most unrealistic way. Nikolayeva was asking everyone, reprimanding and giving bad grades to everyone. She was also scaring and threatening them.

The group crowded around the basin, everybody was moving the poor testicles back and forth in it looking for the eighth membrane. By the end of the second hour of the class everyone, even the most slow-witted students could clearly name the seven membranes of a testicle in Latin. And the group monitor with hysterical giggles was asking everybody: "What bird has black eggs?" and was laughing himself and answering himself: "Paul Robson!!!". There were about five minutes left before the end of the class, and then Larisa Andreyevna pronounced: "Briefs, yes, yes, briefs!". And she said that with such artistic skill and emotion! If Doronina (Tatiana Doronina, 1933 - 1981, a popular Soviet actress; she is regarded as one of the most talented actresses of her generation) was present in the class room at that moment, she would have quitted serving Melpomene and got secluded in a nunnery.

For the time left before the end of the class the group was sitting first with faces contorted with tortures of the search, then countenance changed for surprise, and then, like in a kaleidoscope, for amazement, and then there was burst of laughter. You won't believe it, but Nikolayeva was laughing together with the students. She eliminated all bad grades she had given during the class, and she was loved by everyone at that moment! Even by those who did not like her!! She was the Teacher!!!

The plot of the story is courtesy of Galina Yurovskaya (Veldyaskina).

13 November, 2011

© Copyright: Oleg Syedyshev, 2012
Publishing licence #21210010310

Translated by Viktoria Potykinato content